


Naked For You

by Still_Yet_To_Find



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Iwaizumi's post-timeskip job spoilers, Just two best friends trying to make things better, M/M, Not Beta Read, Nudity, Plants, Regret, Relationship Study, Takes place after the second match of Aoba Johsai and Karasuno, showering together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28411080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Still_Yet_To_Find/pseuds/Still_Yet_To_Find
Summary: Losing against Karasuno wasn’t the only devastating thing that happened that day.A story where two boys are picking each other up and learning how to come to terms with the cruel reality.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	Naked For You

The spike felt great. His palm stung at the contact with the ball. This was the beautiful kind of stinging that made goosebumps sparkle down Iwaizumi’s spine. It was a spike caused by a toss that was uncomfortable to make because of the difficult angle and peer pressure of the game during its last points. A toss that was full of determination, stubbornness, and trust. A toss that seemed impossible, yet it was so perfectly executed. It was like an opportunity, neatly served to Iwaizumi on a plate, telling him “Here’s your chance. Take those points back and carry us to the nationals.” 

  
  


And he messed it up.

  
  
  


The cool tiles under Iwaizumi’s feet make him shiver despite the hot steam filling the air in the empty public bathhouse. He turns on the stream of water which swiftly hits his naked chest and gracefully rolls down his body, taking all drops of sweat that may have lingered after the long, stressful day. He wishes his thoughts would wash away that easily as well. Sadly, his wish isn’t granted.

Despite the perfect timing, how his hand made precise contact with the ball that was tossed by his best friend, who seemingly painfully tumbled down into the table behind the bounds afterward and didn’t even squeak, the spike, in fact, did not take a single point back. 

Iwaizumi’s ruthless mind gives him no peace and plays the image of Karasuno’s captain lightly touching the ball and providing his team a chance ball over and over again.

It’s frustrating.

Iwaizumi’s team has been trying to reach nationals year after year all the way back from middle school. And every time they got so close, so close, it felt like if they reached out, they’d be holding the tournament in their palms carefully like a fragile piece of glass that’s been shattered into million pieces many times before but was miraculously put back together.

The enormous amount of effort, so many hopes and dreams have been crushed by that left hand of Ushijima Wakatoshi. Year after year Shiratorizawa blocked Aoba Johsai’s golden road to the Nationals. Despite how close they got, Ushijima and his team had no mercy and took every opportunity to go to the tournament of dreams for themselves. 

Broken from every single loss, they had to glue each other back together. They had to learn how to turn discouragement into hope and build up the motivation to try again. The team felt like children all of those years back. Falling over and over, getting up with trembling legs and trying again. Learning to stand on their own two feet and finally acquiring enough skill to make it from one parent to the other. The child eventually has to learn how to walk, right?

Well...Not in this case, apparently.

No matter how many times they fell and stood up, they never made it. But why? They weren’t a weak team, that’s for sure. They had a wonderful captain and ambitious teammates each with strong points that made the team perfect the way it was. 

Then...where did everything go wrong? What did they lack? What the hell was stopping them from reaching their almost lifelong dream to play in the Nationals? They had 6 whole years to beat Ushijima’s team and go to Nationals only for them to fail every single match against the powerhouse schools?

They worked their asses off in middle school as well as in highschool. Empty promises of ‘next time we’ll definitely get them’ have been exchanged and never saw the light of day. 

Iwaizumi feels pissed off, frustrated and confused.

But do you know who must feel the most dejected?

Oikawa. That boy trained long and hard to the extent of collapsing. The unreachable dream seemed at such a reachable distance, so he kept pursuing it. He ran with all of his might in hopes of reaching Ushijima from behind, grabbing the back of his jersey and yanking his body back to tumble to the ground at least once. Oikawa wanted to take the lead. He deserved at least that much. 

It physically hurt Iwaizumi to watch Oikawa fall apart from his own unrealistic expectations and insecurities. Iwaizumi always managed to bring his best friend back on track the moment he saw Oikawa eating his own self-worth inside out. But Iwaizumi couldn’t be there for him 24/7. 

There was one moment when they weren’t together and Oikawa, being the stubborn athlete he was, crossed the forbidden line. His body couldn’t take the amount of strain he put on it and his right knee gave out. The guy couldn’t walk for weeks! He felt desperate to get back on track and train every day again. He was depressed about falling behind and drifting further from his dream.

Iwaizumi remembers that gloomy look on his best friend’s face like it was yesterday. He never wants to see that expression again.

He made sure to keep a closer eye on Oikawa during those times and _especially_ paid more attention to his well being _after_ his knee got better. Every morning, he picked up Oikawa from his house and they walked to school together, not that it was any different from before. Being in the same class gave him access to making sure Oikawa doesn’t run off anywhere to practice extra by himself. Iwaizumi hates to say it, but he did catch his best friend trying to sneak out a few times. 

It made him so unbelievably mad, he thought about locking that workaholic up in his room and waiting for him to cool off. Except that would never happen. Iwaizumi should know that better than anyone. The most probable scenario would be years after being locked up, yes, _years_ , Oikawa would master the art of manipulation and convince Iwaizumi he’s gotten over everything and that he deserves to be free. When in reality he’d be so restless, the moment he steps foot outside, he would destroy his body as well as his already corrupted soul.

Restricting Oikawa means feeding and angering the beast inside of him. That’s why Iwaizumi can’t do more than keep an eye out for his best friend. Restricting him just enough to avoid possible trauma and letting him feel the freedom of an ambitious, stubborn, victory-starved athlete he so passionately strives for.

Iwaizumi feels a strong sense of respect for his setter, that’s why he wants to do everything he can to help Oikawa reach his goals while also maintaining his body in one piece.

Iwaizumi would do anything to help Oikawa. To see a genuine smile that makes his eyes quirk upwards and reflect glimmering light beautifully. The feeling of seeing pure joy and bliss oozing out of Oikawa is to die for. Iwaizumi often covers it up with an insult or a mean comment about getting the goosebumps from Oikawa’s genuine happiness because it’s just that unusual to see an unfeigned smile adorn his face. But one thing is for sure, Iwaizumi refuses to admit that maybe, just _maybe_ , those goosebumps are tingles of joy - an infection - he caught from none other than his _irritable_ and _annoying_ smiling best friend Oikawa Tooru.

If Oikawa is happy, Iwaizumi has no other choice but to be happy too. That’s just how their bodies work after being inseparable their whole lives.

Iwaizumi would put his body and soul at stake to see a smile on Oikawa’s lips. That’s what he’s been telling himself and feeling all the time, anyway. He’s looking out for Oikawa every day, albeit aggressively, but caring about him nonetheless. It’s always been like that. And today was no exception.

During the last minutes of today’s game, Oikawa handed all of his faith over to Iwaizumi. After so many years he was determined to overcome any obstacles that may stand in his way. He depended on Iwaizumi to take the last leap and be the bridge to victory.

You see, Karasuno is a team that arose from the dead and started reaching for the top. Dare he say, their play almost matched the intensity of Shiratorizawa. Compared to the last match Aoba Johsai played against Karasuno, this was an entirely different level. One where both, Iwaizumi and Oikawa, were sure if they managed to win against these beasts, they would definitely get Ushijima to crumble beneath them next.

That’s why, during the last minutes of today’s match against Karasuno, with no hesitation, Oikawa pointed at Iwaizumi, indicating the toss will be meant for him and him only. By doing that, he transferred all of his trust, belief and faith over to his ace, his precious childhood best friend. He took an incredibly dangerous jump towards the ball and perfectly tossed it toward Iwaizumi who, from the corner of his eye, saw his best friend painfully tumble down.

Maybe that had distracted him a little bit. After all, one he swore to protect risked his well-being for one toss to secure _one_ victory. Since Oikawa had already taken the dangerous leap that could not be reversed, Iwaizumi gave his all to carry on the opportunity his best friend has entrusted to him. Memories of Oikawa working his ass off for six years straight, of them both fighting over Oikawa’s stubborn nature and his well being, them almost rising to the top, yet falling regardless of how much effort they put into everything flashed across Iwaizumi’s eyes as his hand connected with the perfectly timed toss. So many emotions arose within him and all of them were put into this last spike.

He made the spike for himself. For his team. For _Oikawa_. 

  
  
  


It still...did not go through.

  
  
  


His promises and feelings ended up being unnoticed by the universe. Karasuno’s team received his spike full of hope and gratitude and turned it against Aoba Johsai. Before he knew it, the match ended. Iwaizumi did not have another chance to touch the ball and fix his mistake during that game. 

  
  


He remembers hearing loud cheers from the other side of the net and then...he remembers the dreadful feeling slowly seeping into him through every pore in his body. They lost. The last chance. It was gone. Slipped right through their fingers. Again...just like every other year. They screwed up their _last chance_ . Six years passed and they reached _nothing_. Nationals were never a realistic option. It still isn’t and will never be.

Anguish. As soon as Iwaizumi’s body came back to its senses, his head darted back. There, stood Oikawa, frozen in place looking at the ball behind him. He was the last person to touch it before it hit the ground. The thump it made rung louder than ever. Noisier than Iwaizumi could ever explain. 

He couldn’t move, he had no idea what to say or what to think. Whatever Oikawa was feeling at that moment wasn’t something even Iwaizumi’s perception could grasp. He just knew those emotions weren’t far from a typhoon inside a person, if not worse.

Oikawa straightened up and diverted his gaze to the other side of the net where his eyes met Kageyama’s. Iwaizumi can’t say he was surprised by Oikawa’s stern face. No sign of pain or disbelief. His expression was almost stone looking, judging, and challenging Kageyama like any other day. Iwaizumi knew it was a facade. He always did.

One thing he was grateful for was that Oikawa seemed to be physically stable. His knee looked fine, judging by the way he walked normally. Although, the fall that he took will definitely give him some nasty bruises.

Iwaizumi winced. That toss could’ve done wonders but Iwaizumi’s spike didn’t do _jack_ _shit_. Not only did he break his own promise to protect Oikawa from physical dangers, but he also wasn’t able to carry out Oikawa’s efforts. Even though he knew how _hard_ Oikawa worked, how _hard_ he craved to get to Nationals. Yet, and _yet..._ Iwaizumi wasn’t able to grant him this single wish.

He felt his fists clenching and tears threatening to gather in his eyes.

_Shit_ …

  
  


Then he felt a hard slap of an entire arm on his back. He didn’t even flinch. It was none other than Oikawa. He was sure of it. A reassurement Iwaizumi so desperately needed at the moment. He got it. He got it from the best friend who knows him better than the back of his own hand. Iwaizumi held back a painful scoff. Seriously...which one of them actually needs the most support at the moment? Despite probably picking himself up piece by piece on the inside, Oikawa managed to care about others first. He ignored his problems and continued to distribute his support for others as if he had supplies of it to last a lifetime. He was the selfless captain that everyone on the team respected. Iwaizumi hoped Oikawa left some of that for himself. Though, he was grateful nonetheless. Their physical relationship built throughout the years was stronger than any words of encouragement. Once again, Iwaizumi felt thankful to Oikawa who always knows what to do in situations like these. Iwaizumi gathered himself up again. For himself, for the team, for _Oikawa_.

  
  
  
  


Another set of goosebumps go down Iwaizumi’s spine. He frowns and roughly rubs his face. The sound of water hitting the tiled floor fails to quiet his mind. This is where everything started going even more downhill. He had been avoiding thinking about _this_ topic like the plague all evening. As if today’s loss wasn’t enough. He’s not ready. He probably never _will_ be ready. It’s just all too much. He leans forward and rests both of his palms on the white tile wall in front of him. Water is fiercely hitting his back by now and is giving at least some effort to distract him. If his mind would just _quiet down_. 

  
  
  


It was eerily silent back at the locker room after the match. Iwaizumi spared quite a few glances at his setter to make sure Oikawa was, indeed, okay. He was always met with his best friend giving his teammates supportive pep talks, pats on their shoulders and backs. Though, his eyes lacked the lovely crinkle. Iwaizumi will have to do something about it later tonight. But not yet. Not in front of everyone. That’s the least he could do for Oikawa at the moment. So for now, he focused on taking his sweat-damp jersey off.

After changing, Iwaizumi took his phone out to check the time. But when the screen lit up, he forgot all about the time indicating numbers. Instead, his eyes were focused on a single notification. An email. One he was waiting for the past few months. 

His throat suddenly felt so very dry as it tightened. He swiftly ran a hand through his hair and took the last glance at Oikawa’s back to confirm he wasn’t looking. The fingers holding his phone felt so numb he thought he was about to drop it. Right now was definitely not the best time to open this email. But he itched all over. With his heart dangerously hammering in his chest he unlocked his phone and clicked on the app. This was going to either make his day ten times brighter or dim any concept of light he ever had in his life. Okay, maybe he was being a little overly dramatic. But the nervous restlessness was painfully obvious in his bones.

With clammy fingers, he had to press the email button several times before it actually opened.

That was when his breath got stuck in his throat.

  
  


_Dear Iwaizumi Hajime,_

_We regret to inform you that you did not get into Tohoku University. Thank you very much for your interest-_

  
  


Everything else became a blur. He read over everything, yet the only coherent sentence that actually made sense in his head was the first one. He reread it again. And again. And _again._

_We regret to inform you-_

A single roll of sweat slowly streamed down his temple.

_-that you did not get into Tohoku University.-_

He suddenly felt lightheaded. Probably due to him unconsciously holding his breath for the past 20 seconds or so.

Are you _serious_? He took a step back to make sure his body didn’t tumble down. Eyes were wide, still reading over the same fucking line. He couldn’t believe it. Was this day even real? He squeezed his right hand into a fist and brought it to his lips. Then bit down on his index finger hard enough to cause pain and leave a mark afterward.

But he studied! He studied his ass off the whole year before the entrance exams. Iwaizumi sacrificed every speck of his free time he managed to find to get into that university. He studied at home, during train rides, lunch breaks at school, in the club room before and after practice. And most importantly, Oikawa was there, too. Right beside Iwaizumi, Oikawa did everything in his power to help him. Oikawa sacrificed _his_ free time to help Iwaizumi. They both put enormous effort into making sure Iwaizumi got in only to get an email, probably generated by a robot, mercilessly telling him he was too dumb to enroll in the university. Twelve months of hard work crushed by a few blunt sentences. Not acknowledged in the least. 

It’s not that Iwaizumi was stupid, far from that. But Oikawa insisted just to be safe. That smartass claimed their studying sessions kept his knowledge fresh. And with a little bit more studying, they would definitely end up in the same university and stay together. Iwaizumi was thankful. It was Oikawa’s choice to spend his time helping Iwaizumi study instead of practicing more volleyball.

It was the right thing to do, right? To let Oikawa rest his body and study with Iwaizumi without overworking and hurting himself in the physical aspect. 

But why does Iwaizumi feel like he held Oikawa back? They studied so much! If they practiced instead of that useless studying shit that didn’t get them anywhere, they might have been able to win against Karasuno. Iwaizumi would’ve gotten that spike through. They would have won against Shiratorizawa and ended up in the Nationals. 

Studied or not, Iwaizumi wouldn’t have gotten in either way. It was decided from the beginning. But if he only _knew_ . If he only knew, he would have practiced volleyball instead of studying. He would have granted his team that golden road to the Nationals. He would have done at least _something_ useful.

Now he feels nude from top to bottom. There’s no more future with being by his best friend’s side most of the time. And no more worthless expectations to go to Nationals. 

Man, he fucked up, didn’t he.

Yeah, he definitely shouldn’t have opened this email at a time like that. _Shit_. 

You know what? He wasn’t exaggerating when he thought about the possibility of him not getting in. Because it definitely feels like any light that’s been in his life just dimmed to a full minimum.

Fuck.

He already felt the familiar tremble in his body. No way. He was not about to cry here. There was no way he was doing that. He quickly looked around if anyone might notice him escaping to the bathroom but was surprised to find that almost all of his teammates had already left. How long has he been torturing himself by rereading that email over and over again? His eyes met Oikawa’s all too soon. Iwaizumi’s face was probably the definition of broken sadness judging by the sympathetic expression Oikawa gave him right before enveloping him into a comforting hug. 

“It’s okay.” he sympathized. “We’re going to talk later today, alright?”

Why was _Oikawa_ the one providing him with support and not the other way around? Why was Oikawa so selfless in the moment when _he_ needed the most comfort and encouragement out of everyone? Iwaizumi desperately wanted to grab Oikawa by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, shout at him that it’s okay to break down, that it’s okay to cry in front of his best friend. Iwaizumi would lend his shoulder to cry on and to sleep on later. He wanted to be the one to wrap his hands around Oikawa’s trembling frame and make him feel at peace. Except, Iwaizumi’s body was in too much shock to do anything other than stand in place, overwhelmed by every emotion.

Iwaizumi didn’t even squeak in fear of hearing his own voice break. He assumed Oikawa felt him nod because soon after, his best friend patted him on the back for the last time and stepped away. Iwaizumi’s eyes were met with Oikawa’s knowing gaze that was supposed to calm him down, to put him at ease.

Except, Oikawa didn’t know _that_ yet. _Fuck_. Oikawa was still as clueless about the results as Kiyoutani was about being gentle. How was Iwaizumi supposed to break the news to his best friend when Oikawa is probably in his most vulnerable state ever? He won’t be able to hold this secret from Oikawa for long, though, that’s for sure. And it was a necessity to let him know as soon as possible, Oikawa asked him to. He promised himself to do it sometime today.

  
  
  
  


He still hasn’t done shit. A frustrated, shaky exhale leaves Iwaizumi’s lips. It’s past midnight by now and he’s standing in the bathing area trying to wash away each and every thought that enters his mind. It’s been unsuccessful so far. Honestly? _Everything_ has been unsuccessful so far. 

What the fuck is up with this day?

First, the final loss against Karasuno that shut down their last chance to go to Nationals. The dream is gone for good. And there will be no ‘we’ll get them next time’ bullshit because it’s _over_. Both, Iwaizumi and Oikawa, are third years now and are graduating this year. Which brings us to the next problem. 

That toss ― Iwaizumi is hit with the dreadful realization ― was the last toss he will ever receive from Oikawa during a tournament. Because they will be going to different universities and playing on the same team is not going to be an option anymore. After all, Oikawa got into Tohoku University through recommendations long before Iwaizumi took the entrance exam.

Dear God.

It really _is_ over…

Iwaizumi’s chest tightens painfully. 

From the day they were born, Oikawa and Iwaizumi have been inseparable.

There was one evening when two small children slept together side by side. One of them a little restless and the other slightly tense. Then one of the two chubby miracle boys sleepily reached out his tiny left hand to grab onto something and after a few attempts of grabbing nothing but thin air, his pinky felt warm softness touching it. There was a spark. A spark of connection. And not long after, Oikawa’s small fingers wrapped around Iwaizumi’s little hand that was tightly squeezed into a baby fist. It loosened almost immediately. And little Oikawa’s shuffling subsided. Then, there were two precious little angels sleeping softly with hands connected into some kind of unconscious contract. A contract that had two rules: do not let go of each other and protect one another. Rules they both have been unconsciously following to this day.

It’s not like Iwaizumi remembers this happening. But he can see the vivid image of the picture in his home that stands on his nightstand and seals their secret little contract. He smiles at the two framed babies every time before going to sleep. Oikawa has the same picture in his room. Their parents thought the moment was too precious to not be perpetuated. So now, every time their families gather on Christmas eve, they retell the story of two innocent bubbles of happiness developing a bond before even learning how to walk.

He doesn’t want to break it.

  
  


A silent scream settles uncomfortably in Iwaizumi’s throat. The mush of anger, sadness, disappointment, and lost hope sits heavily at the bottom of his stomach like a rock. But despite all that, he _smiles_. The feeling is bitter, yet strangely sweet at the same time. They were together for so long. Falling down and then picking each other up. Exchanging sympathetic or encouraging glances that say much more than words ever could. Screaming the frustration away by yelling at each other’s faces until they get everything out of their systems. Aggressively shoving and hitting each other to prove a point and get the other to find his lost common sense. Patting each other’s backs to prove that not all is lost and as long as they have one another, the world isn’t as cruel. All of that was…

nice.

That seems to have come to an end as well.

His smile falters as he bites hard on his bottom lip to strain his face in hopes of holding back the tears that threaten to join droplets of water pouring out of the showerhead above him.

The water stream that hits the floor does not create the illusion of rain Iwaizumi had expected. The sound of water falling usually calms him down but at the moment, he feels the droplets poking at his nude skin, laughing at him and tormenting the last specks of hope left in him. Making fun of his last attempt at giving his best friend another chance and failing miserably. He feels shame engulf his entire being. 

This is not the kind of effect bathing should have on Iwaizumi. To him, it always associates with calmness, peace, home, and...Oikawa. Yes, _Oikawa_. Bathing with Oikawa is like second nature to him. Ever since their childhood, they bathed together, well, they considered it like playtime more than anything. The two boys built lego ships and brought them into the bathtub only to watch them slowly fill with water and sink. Then they changed things to paper ships. Those, too, would get soggy and fall apart pretty quickly. They also learned how to squirt water out of their hands and annoyed each other with that useless but entertaining skill until their eyes were full of water and burning. Their most favorite bathing time, however, were bubble baths. Their moms rarely let them have those, but when they did, the boys were more than happy to make bubble beards on each other’s faces. Or making weird hairstyles for one another. Or simply floating among white, fluffy puffs of bubble clouds in silence because that was probably the only thing able to calm these erratic toddlers down.

You’d think they grew out of the bathing together habit as they grew older.

Well...not quite.

They may not bathe together as often anymore, but another rule made its way into their lives: Whenever at least one of them feels extremely bad to the point where the other doesn’t want to let his best friend out of sight, they bathe together. Perhaps it gives them the feeling of childhood comfort, perhaps it’s feeling each other’s presence makes them feel at peace and at home. One of the best examples Iwaizumi can give is the time when Oikawa was dumped by his girlfriend who claimed Oikawa was too obsessed with volleyball. While Iwaizumi didn’t necessarily disagree with her, he raged with anger at her reasoning. He saw how obsessed Oikawa was, but shouldn’t it be admirable that your boyfriend is as ambitious and stubborn about reaching his dreams as Oikawa? If there was a good, solid reason to break up with Oikawa that Iwaizumi wouldn’t oppose to, that would be seeing him hurt himself physically and emotionally to the point where she starts hurting just as much simply from watching him and becomes unable to support and encourage him. _That_ is something someone with lots of compassion and love would feel towards their loved one who knows no boundaries of their abilities. 

But no, _“Why are you obsessing over that sport so much? Is volleyball actually more important to you than your girlfriend?_ ” was what she said.

_Selfish._

She broke up with him because he paid more attention to volleyball than her. And honestly? Iwaizumi thinks Oikawa was pulled more toward volleyball for a good reason. Because his girlfriend didn’t know how to respect his life goals.

Even though Oikawa tends to come off as flirty and some would even go as far as to call him a ‘fuckboy’ but it couldn’t be any further from the truth. When it comes to relationships, Oikawa treats them very seriously. Romantically or platonically, he cares deeply for the people that are dear to him. So that day, when Oikawa called Iwaizumi on the phone and choked out the first ‘Iwa-chan’ with his broken voice, Iwaizumi didn’t bat a single eyelash and ran straight to Oikawa’s house. That day, he stayed over. And they bathed together again after a long time. They talked, scrubbed each other’s backs, and washed one another’s hair. Iwaizumi went as far as to give Oikawa a massage afterward. And then, another thing they haven’t done for a while happened. They fell asleep together. And boy did it feel right. That night, both of them had an actually restful night in what seemed like years.

  
  


It was so nice. All of these years spent together. Playing together, cooking, baking, and then eating together, going to the same school and learning together, bathing together, laughing and crying, going on long family road trips, and witnessing breathtaking views of fields covered in colorful flowers together. Growing up as inseparable as ever. _Completing_ each other.

  
  


Could everything be lost all because of Iwaizumi’s stupid incompetence? 

“Ugh!” Before Iwaizumi can stop himself, his tightly squeezed fist with whitening knuckles hits the tile wall in front of him with a soft thump that resonates all throughout the bathhouse. It hurts. A lot. But he wants it to. He needs _something._ Something that would finish the war in his head. Something that would lift the feeling of guilt. Something that would make up for what he wasn’t able to do for Oikawa.

“Shit.” He pushes his trembling fist harder into the wall and closes his eyes. Is this where he crumbles? Is this his true Achille's heel? The clear soft spot for Oikawa. The friendship Iwaizumi’s been nurturing with care for as long as he can remember. It feels like it's falling apart.

_This can’t be the end..._

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Wtf is this??” Hanamaki cackles while looking at his phone and rolling in his futon. The silence was once again disturbed in the guest house Aoba Johsai has rented.

“What is it?” A tired but no less interested voice asks from the futon next to Hanamaki.

“Have you connected to the wifi yet?” Makki asks.

Matsukawa only shakes his head no and reaches for his phone. A few seconds of tapping pass and everyone hears a loud snort.

“They did _not_ name the wifi ‘It burns when IP’”

After the phrase is said out loud, a few chuckles - some quiet, some not so much - resonate throughout the room.

“I thought we were staying at a professional facility.” Makki wipes an imaginary tear off his eyelashes. “Seriously, what the hell?”

“I have no idea but I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Mattsun comments. 

  
  


Oikawa is glad. He is glad his teammates have the hearts to joke around and laugh today. He's surprised that most of the team stayed in the guest house instead of going home to cope. Maybe staying with people who experienced as many losses as you have is somewhat more comforting than being with people who can only imagine how you feel. 

He drops a towel over his shoulder and looks around the dark room. Almost everyone is in their futons, exhausted after the stressful day. Most are already dozing off. Strangely, he feels some of the weight lifted. The team seems to be in a better condition than he thought they’d be. Must be nice to be able to fall asleep after such a crushing loss. Oikawa feels like he won’t sleep for weeks. His muscles are so stiff, he can feel them tremble. His eyes travel down to the empty futon by his side. Iwaizumi’s belongings are nowhere to be seen. And both of them haven’t had a chance to talk today at all. But as much as he’s worried, he knows Iwaizumi wouldn’t push him away for nothing. Oikawa figures his best friend desperately needs space. So he will give it to him. Even though he knows he needs Iwaizumi the most at the moment.

Things are what they are. Oikawa can’t wait to enter the now empty bathhouse. He waited for everyone to finish so he could have the place all for himself. He had been craving for some privacy there this entire evening. He needed to think things over. To come to terms with everything that happened up to this point. And think about his possible options in the future. He wants to figure out what went wrong today...And all of the past years. 

His face twitches in irritation as he scoffs. 

There’s a sudden urge to do a belly flop into the hot, steaming, almost boiling water and just _sink_. Or who knows, maybe he’ll just splash around aggressively a little bit and call it a day.

He’ll see how he feels.

With a grunt, Oikawa stands up and pauses to adjust to his sore muscles. His body aches all over.

“Going to bathe?” Shuffling from a nearby futon catches Oikawa’s attention.

“Yup.” The captain answers.

“Now?” Makki inquires.

“Mhm.” Oikawa hums back.

“This late?” The fellow third year continues.

“Yeah.”

Then there’s a slight pause.

“You...need company?” With an undertone of worry Makki asks after glancing at the empty Iwaizumi’s futon.

Oikawa follows his gaze and flashes a sad smile.

“No, I’m okay.” Oikawa insists. “But thanks.”

“Well, let me know if anything changes.” but then the genuine caring glint in Makki’s eyes changes to a teasing one. “We wouldn’t want our favorite captain to fall asleep in the water and drown now, would we?”

“Hey! I know how to swim!” Oikawa shoots an offended glare towards his teammate and puffs his cheeks out while crossing his arms. “I’m a fantastic swimmer for your information, thank you very much.”

“Not if you’re asleep.” Makki chuckles under his breath, satisfied with the reaction his captain provided.

“If anything goes wrong, give us a shout - or a scream of terror. Matsukawa and I are gonna be on our feet to drag your ass out of the water in seconds.” He continues. “I’ll have my ear out for your pigeon chirping voice.”

“Wha- Makki!” Oikawa manages to get a few offended sounds out before forming an actually comprehensible sentence.

“Rude! Unlike any of you, I can actually sing!” Of _course_ he covers the most important part of the argument first.

“And how in the world would I scream for help if I’m asleep?” Oikawa reasons.

“Exactly.” Makki proves his point. ”So...company?”

He is only being considerate. And deep down, Oikawa appreciates the gesture.

“Just- shut up, _mom, go_ back to sleep and let me relax in peace already.” Oikawa swiftly strolls toward Makki’s futon and starts aggressively tucking him in until he looks like a stuffed burrito. 

“Alright, alright.” Hanamaki finally gives in. “Just…” He turns his head in an awkward angle to make eye contact with his captain. “Remember we’re always by your side. Don’t be afraid to talk to us, alright?”

“Yeah…” Oikawa breathes out with a shy smile of gratitude after a pause and stands up.

“Goodnight Makki.” 

“Night.” Oikawa hears a faint answer as he leaves the room.

  
  


Oikawa feels so lucky to have such chaotic yet wholesome teammates. They always do their best to make sure Oikawa doesn’t feel like crap. They know when something’s up and they don’t hesitate to jump straight to the point of fixing the situation. It also never gets boring around them. Their constant chaotic vibe makes it difficult to not get involved in their shenanigans. Oikawa wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Except, they’re graduating. Other third years aren’t going to the same university as him and Iwaizumi. He knows because he asked. Now, he can only hope to stay in contact with them. Who knows, they might be his friends for life. At least he really, _really_ hopes so.

The future is a mystery. And it frightens him. Then fright turns into frustration. Because things he doesn’t understand irritate him. It feels like he wants to jump into the future and spoil everything for himself. So that he’d know what’s to come and what to expect. Everything wouldn’t take him by surprise anymore and he’d live with a peaceful mind. Things would be so much more simple.

But that’s impossible. He’s stuck here, in the present, fearing for the future and cursing the past. Past events and past himself. If he knew they were going to lose, he would’ve worked harder. If he knew he wouldn’t see Iwaizumi today after their conversation in the locker room, he wouldn’t have let him go. His best friend looked terrible. Full of guilt and remorse. It’s been a while since he saw Iwaizumi with such a pained expression. Nevermind that, this was probably the first time he saw Iwaizumi in such a helpless state. Oikawa would have gone home together with his best friend. Because Oikawa knows Iwaizumi needs him just as much as he craves Iwaizumi’s company.

So why did his best friend leave without saying a word? Oikawa narrows his eyes at the ground and swallows bitterly. His chest hurts. All Oikawa wants right now is to be by Iwaizumi’s side.

The boy reaches the dressing room. He takes off all of his clothes and neatly puts them in the basket. Then takes the smaller towel and wraps it around his waist.

If he’s being honest, he’s considering going to Iwaizumi’s house after bathing. Yes, he’d be uninvited. Yes, he has done this more than enough times before. Yes, this would feel more like a crime than it did ever before because he knows he’s not welcome there at the moment. Iwaizumi would’ve said something otherwise. 

Oikawa still wants to break into his house and hold him close. Is he selfish for wishing to do so? That’s debatable. He wouldn’t be there only for himself. He’d be there for Iwaizumi too. He would be there for them both.

But if Iwaizumi needs space, Oikawa respects that. And so, he will not disturb his best friend. Even if it means feeling hurt because of Iwaizumi’s silence.

The captain takes a big, angry sip of water before aggressively placing the bottle back to where his belongings are and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. All of this is really annoying.

Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.

Oikawa seems to not be able to take the scowl off his face. It feels permanent. He’s going to get wrinkles because of Iwa-chan! Oikawa won’t forgive him then. The captain is already coming up with ways to get on Iwaizumi’s nerves when they finally get a chance to tal-

“ _Shit!_ ” A muffled thump echoes from the bathing area next door followed by a frustrated, quiet hiss.

Oikawa’s head never spun back so fast. He is startled at first. Very startled. Everyone should be asleep already. He genuinely didn’t expect someone else to be in here. Maybe it’s the janitor?

The boy silently strides to the door and peeks his head out. 

Confusion floods his mind with a generous sprinkle of relief and maybe even anticipation.

From there, he sees a man’s back. The back he’s far too familiar with. The muscular back he could never confuse with any other for the life of him. Water is running down the man’s body making him glimmer under the ceiling lights. With his head hung low, he holds his fist firmly against the wall with whitened knuckles. 

That must hurt... 

“...Iwa-chan?” Oikawa carefully creaks out.

Despite Oikawa’s effort to be subtle, he still sees Iwaizumi flinch. His best friend raises his shoulders as if to shrink and with a stiff posture freezes. Iwaizumi’s defined back muscles and a slouching posture do not go together, Oikawa decides. It lacks confidence and looks unnatural. Very un-Iwaizumi like. Oikawa would have laughed. But then, Iwaizumi slowly turns his head back. Their eyes meet. Iwaizumi’s expression is closer to dread than Oikawa would like it to be. 

Is that fear he sees? Guilt? Iwaizumi seems cracked. He doesn’t utter a word. Only stares back with disbelief evident on his face. Even if he opens his mouth to say something, no sound escapes his parted lips. 

As soon as Oikawa gets over his own shock, he starts taking slow steps toward his best friend.

“I’ve been looking for you.” Oikawa starts with a worried undertone. “I thought you went home.”

He’s only met with Iwaizumi’s wide, glossy orbs staring back at him and the sound of water hitting his best friend’s body and then pooling around his feet.

“Iwa-chan?” He tries again.

Iwaizumi finally straightens up. Wide olive green eyes stare at Oikawa’s chocolate brown ones and scream a thousand words that Oikawa can’t hear but still understands. Oikawa can clearly see the ace’s trembling hands that are covered in goosebumps. Is Iwaizumi scared? If so, then of what? Of facing Oikawa? Come to think of it, could it be Iwaizumi had been avoiding him on purpose today? And...if that’s the case, why? 

Without breaking eye contact, Oikawa reaches his hand out to touch Iwaizumi’s shoulder.

  
  


Now, do you know the feeling when the water is so hot that when you touch it, it feels extremely cold, and only after a few seconds comes the awful stinging pain of burned skin? Yeah. That feeling.

It sucks, doesn’t it?

With a loud hiss, Oikawa immediately pulls his arm back and cradles it carefully with the other. He always knew Iwaizumi liked hot showers but they never were _this_ hot. That is definitely not healthy. He glances at his hand and waits for the stinging to begin.

...But it never comes.

Confused, he looks up and sees just as confused Iwaizumi, if not a little worried looking.

“O-Oi.” Iwaizumi mutters and gets closer to Oikawa’s arm as if to inspect it.

Then it hits Oikawa. The water is ice cold. 

“How long have you been standing in this freezing shower?!” Oikawa grabs Iwaizumi’s wrist that is just as cold as the water droplets and yanks him from under the stream. Without letting his best friend’s hand go, Oikawa fixes the water temperature to lukewarm and shoves Iwaizumi under the showerhead to start warming him up without giving his body too much of a shock.

“Iwa-chan, please answer me.” Oikawa pleads as his hands feel up Iwaizumi’s drenched hair, his naked broad shoulders, his chest, then going all the way to his waist. Even under the warm water Iwaizumi’s entire body doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to regulate its temperature. In comparison, it's ice cold.

Oikawa notices Iwaizumi looking at his own trembling hands as if he hadn’t realized how cold he was.

His hands were also wrinkly. Which brings Oikawa to the conclusion that Iwaizumi has been bathing for quite some time now. He’s definitely going to catch a cold if he’s been under that freezing stream of water for more than five minutes.

Little by little, Oikawa turns the handle and heats up the water.

He’s under one showerhead with Iwaizumi, warming him up from head to toe. Oikawa’s towel is completely drenched by now and is hanging heavily on his hips, threatening to fall off any minute now. He doesn’t care. It’s uncomfortable anyway. After all, there’s nothing the best friends haven’t seen about each other.

With that in mind, the towel fell down with a wet flop. Unbothered, Oikawa simply pushed it away with his leg.

  
  


Oikawa takes Iwaizumi’s forearm and strokes his thumb over the bumpy skin. The goosebumps are still there. Sometimes, a shiver passes throughout Iwaizumi’s body. Oikawa furrows his eyebrows.

“I can already see you lying in your bed tomorrow begging me to bring you some chicken soup into your room.” Oikawa jokes.

“...Sorry.” Is all Iwaizumi answers. 

So, no ‘shut up’? No snarky remarks? Oikawa feels a little put off. But really, can he blame his best friend? Today was a horrible day - well, yesterday, since it’s after midnight, but that’s not the point - Oikawa himself wants to pull every tile out of the walls in this bathing area and then glue them back in with a horribly irritating pattern. Out of pure spite.

But then he brings his attention back to Iwaizumi. He makes another - and this time successful - attempt of resting a comforting hand on Iwaizumi’s shoulder which is much warmer than before. He decides to go straight to the point.

“Iwa-chan, you’re avoiding me.” He states with a caring look. It’s not an accusation. It’s more of an ‘I-noticed-something-is-off-so-I’m-asking-you-about-it’ kind of statement.

Iwaizumi only narrows his eyes at the ground, obviously avoiding Oikawa’s analyzing gaze. Iwaizumi feels guilty. That only proves Oikawa’s theory.

Oikawa has a hunch about what’s bothering Iwaizumi. But he can’t figure out why Iwaizumi started avoiding him out of nowhere. He’s never done that before.

So he decides to step into the minefield.

“You played well today.”

Iwaizumi lifts his head and with narrowed eyes gives Oikawa a hurtful look. Oikawa knew what that face meant.

“I’m not lying.” He defends himself. “And you know that better than anyone else.”

Iwaizumi grimaces. Still not convinced, huh…

“Iwa-chan, I really mean it.” Oikawa pushes further. “The fact that you managed to spike my last toss is incredible. That was a really difficult execution.” the setter looks at his best friend with empathy.

“It just so happened that Karasuno was stronger than us.” He adds bitterly. But then the glint in his eyes changes.

“But don’t worry,” He says with a determined smirk. “We’ll get them next time.”

Iwaizumi’s frown only deepens.

“No, _stop_.” Iwaizumi spits out.

  
  


...What?

  
  


Oikawa’s smile slowly dissolves into a concerned frown. That took Oikawa by surprise. After any kind of loss, the two have a talk. They tell each other what’s bothering them, they yell back and forth to prove a point if necessary, then they come to a conclusion and motivate each other to stand up and try again. But by no means do they silence each other.

What Iwaizumi did now was...not the usual. A change. And a negative one. Iwaizumi has never turned down Oikawa’s encouraging words, especially when they’re sincere. He always knows when they are and today is not an exception. Then...what’s the big deal? 

“Iwa-chan, I know today’s loss was heartbreaking,” Oikawa says sadly while searching for Iwaizumi’s averted green eyes. “But we’ll get through this one too. Just like we did with every other obstacle.”

This is the topic Oikawa buried deep under the ground today. If you don’t think about it, it won’t hurt. Don’t think about it and you’ll forget completely. The plan was easy. He got through the day just fine. But for Iwaizumi he’s willing to bring everything back to the surface. If talking about this will make Iwaizumi happier and more confident, Oikawa would dig up the darkest of his memories just to prove to Iwaizumi that not everything is lost. Because every loss has a lesson you can use in the future. That lesson is the most positive thing that comes out of a loss. They should always acknowledge it.

But even though Oikawa is saying all these words, he feels like he is lying. Not only Iwaizumi but himself as well. It’s not that the words are untrue. It’s just he isn’t feeling as confident as his tone of voice makes him sound. And the worst part of it all is that he knows Iwaizumi is aware of that too. 

Oikawa keeps this up just because he knows Iwaizumi is crushed and lashing out in front of him is only going to hurt his best friend more. Iwaizumi needs comforting and Oikawa will do everything under the sun to make Iwaizumi feel better. 

“We’ll get better together and obliterate our next opponent-”

“-Oikawa.” Iwaizumi interrupts Oikawa’s enthusiastic motivational speech. Oikawa decides to take a mental step back and see if Iwaizumi says anything more because something obviously isn’t adding up.

“Look, it’s-” Frustrated, Iwaizumi brushes his hand through his wet black hair. “It’s just- _ugh_!”

“Listen, I-I don’t know where to start…” Iwaizumi rubs his face with both of his palms.

The ace seems to be speechless and lost. That is a rare sight. And Oikawa is concerned. _Very_ concerned. Iwaizumi is the one who always knows what to say. And to suddenly see him at a loss for words seems bizarre. In a bad kind of way. He wants to hurry up and make things better for his best friend.

Oikawa pushes the heavy feeling of fear creeping up his every molecule away where it will never see the light of day. Iwaizumi seems scared and the emotion is clearly transferring to Oikawa, too. Something is really off because Iwaizumi has been fearless his entire life. Even catching bugs with bare hands seems like the easiest task in the world for him. For as long as Oikawa can remember, _he_ has been the crybaby one and Iwaizumi was the brave knight in the shining armor he always ran to whenever something scared him. Sure, Iwaizumi has been scared before. He’s human, after all. Horror movies have made him jumpier than normal. Fear of failure has always been part of his life but he never openly showed it to anyone. Oikawa is still aware of it, though. Oikawa has been aware of this the entire time and has been doing everything in his power to lessen the burden on Iwaizumi’s shoulders. And he did so successfully most of the time. Except, today, it feels like - of all things - the fear is directed at...him. That thought uncomfortably nestles in his brain and causes his chest to ache.

“Iwa-chan, how about we sit down first.” Oikawa suggests and brings another showering stool so they could talk while sitting under one shower head. “Maybe you want me to wash your back while you think of the right words?” 

“No. No, I need a little more time.” Iwaizumi breathes out a loud sigh and takes a seat on the said bathing stool.

Did he actually just decline Oikawa’s offer to wash his back? Their main way of comforting each other? 

“It’s okay, we’re not rushing anywhere.” Oikawa lies through his teeth with the most comforting voice he can put on. He wants to put a stop to this immediately. He’s starting to actually feel scared. And he doesn’t even know of what exactly yet.

What the hell is going on in Iwaizumi’s head?

“Oikawa.” Iwaizumi gets his best friend’s full attention after they’re both seated and water is running down their bodies in rivers and streams. Just like the good old days. Only...a little different.

“...I am so,” He starts. ” _so sorry_.” he hangs his head low in a form of apology. Or is it shame?

Oikawa’s eyes widen. So Iwaizumi still can’t let go of it.

“Iwa-chan, today’s loss is not your fault.” Oikawa shoots more strictly. “You said it yourself, remember? The game doesn’t revolve around one person, It revolves around the entire team. There are six players on each side. _Six_. Not one.”

Oikawa got a little heated, but the anger has no bite to it. It’s their way of caring, that’s why he carries on.

“The last seconds were a game of luck. Daichi just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. None of that is your fault. Quit beating yourself up about something that isn’t in your control anymore. We lost. Big deal.”

Of course it’s a big deal.

“Oikawa-”

“We’re done here.” The captain continues, refusing to be interrupted. “ We'll move on like we did every other time. We’ll be on another great team together and fight by each other’s side.”

“ _Oikawa-_ ” The ace tries again with more emphasis.

“Iwaizumi, we have a bright future ahead of us!” 

“ _Tooru!_ ” Iwaizumi pleads desperately and stops Oikawa in his tracks. “That’s enough.” His quivering voice alerts the captain. 

Iwaizumi is about to break down.

“No, we don’t.” Iwaizumi mutters under his breath. Oikawa catches every word. And his concern only grows.

“What...what do you mean?” The captain asks carefully, trying to not step over the clear line.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi starts again, but after a pause stops once more. “No, man, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” He rests his forehead on his forearms that are supported by his knees.

“Iwa-chan…” Oikawa is just as lost. He doesn’t understand what the problem even is anymore. It’s clearly not the loss. Did something else happen? “Iwa-chan, talk to me.” He says with the calmest voice he can muster up. “I’ll listen to everything.”

“Shit, Oikawa, I’m sorry…” Iwaizumi’s muffled devastated voice reaches Oikawa’s ears. “I don’t believe I can do that.”

The amount of apologies is putting Oikawa off. 

“Yes, you can. I believe in you.” The setter encourages.

“I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi’s grip on his arms tightens. “I just _can’t._ ”

Oikawa has had enough. They’ve just been walking in circles with this ‘conversation’ if you can even call it one. If they keep that up, they’ll never get anywhere.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa takes on a gentle approach. “Look at me.”

The ace only hides his face further into his forearms.

“Iwaizumi,” Oikawa doesn’t give up. He cups Iwaizumi’s head with both of his palms and starts soothingly rolling a strand of black, damp hair between his index finger and his thumb. Gentle and careful. Iwaizumi may seem like a tough guy, but Oikawa knows how easily he melts at the mercy of a simple, gentle touch.

“Take your time.” Oikawa’s feet make their way to Iwaizumi’s, and with a light touch announce his presence and support. “Talk when you’re ready.”

“I’ll wait as long as it takes.”

Iwaizumi lifts his head. His eyes are still locked onto the ground but obvious progress is being made. Oikawa takes that as a sign to continue encouraging him through gentle touches. Stimulating the senses helps people come back from their negative haze of a mind. And it had always worked on Iwaizumi. That’s why Oikawa slowly, with feathery touches, starts traveling with his hands down Iwaizumi’s nude body. Gently, he slides his fingers across his best friend’s temples, his cheeks. He then goes down and follows the outline of his jaw until his thumbs reach the pointy chin. He soothingly brushes past Iwaizumi’s chin and pauses when he reaches the throat. With a light press on the artery, he can feel his best friend’s pulse. He allows himself to take in every beat and appreciate it with his entire being. Iwaizumi doesn’t budge nor resist. Instead, he lifts his head, providing Oikawa with more access to his neck. The unimaginable amount of trust Iwaizumi is showing leaves Oikawa overwhelmed. Trusting him enough to let Oikawa touch his nude skin without a speck of doubt about being safe emotionally and physically. Oikawa gulps dryly. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt this elated. 

Every movement Iwaizumi makes is an impulsive reaction to Oikawa’s touch and an indication for him to continue. Before moving on to the shoulders, Oikawa takes his time to put his palms over Iwaizumi’s collarbones. His skin is soft and shiny from the water and ceiling lights mixing together. The glistening mesmerizes him. Without any rush, Oikawa traces the collarbones outward with his thumbs, successfully making his way to the broad shoulders. The shoulders Iwaizumi worked on for the longest time. He’s come so far. Oikawa appreciates every bump of muscle, every centimeter of skin his own finger pads come in contact with.

He notices Iwaizumi has closed his eyes. Most probably focusing on every touch and distracting himself from unnecessary negative thoughts. He is trying to calm down. That’s the way to go. Oikawa feels pride swell in his chest because of how hard Iwaizumi is fighting to come back to his haze-free headspace. The setter then proceeds to move down to his upper arm. And let him tell you, every time he touches or even as much as _sees_ Iwaizumi’s biceps, Oikawa has to hold himself back from going feral. They’re real pieces of art. With that thought in mind, he gently squeezes the muscle mass. That earns him a sharper take in of breath from Iwaizumi. Oikawa knows it’s not out of pain, it’s simply because of the stimulation. This method is working and the setter couldn’t ask for more. Literally, if he did, it would be game over. That’s why without changing the pace, he brushes his hands past Iwaizumi’s elbows, down the thinning forearms, his wrists, and finally, he takes Iwaizumi’s hands into his and brings them together. They’re finally warm. Oikawa feels some relief shine through. He holds them with gentleness and care while searching for his best friend’s eyes.

Iwaizumi returns the favor by looking back at Oikawa’s chocolate brown orbs. He still seems hesitant but much calmer. Oikawa can sense it with his being. 

The sound of the water droplet orchestra is finally interrupted by Iwaizumi’s voice.

“I didn’t get in.” Iwaizumi mutters under his breath while struggling to maintain eye contact.

The words were so silent Oikawa thinks he misheard something.

“Huh?” he asks dumbly.

“ _I didn’t get in._ ” Iwaizumi spits out with a trembling voice. Short, stuttering breaths come back and can be noticed by the fastened movements of his chest. Oikawa sees the glossy wide eyes staring right back at him like Iwaizumi had just spilled every secret in the world and came to terms with all of the consequences. With no intention of averting his eyes anymore, Iwaizumi stares at Oikawa’s brown orbs with anxious yet angry anticipation. 

Oikawa feels like his brain suddenly malfunctions.

Is Oikawa actually stupid or is he missing something? He racks his brain to pinpoint the lost piece of the story. Get in? Iwaizumi didn’t get the last ball in today but that problem seems to have been long put to rest. Then what is it? Get in what? Get in _where?_

  
  


Wait.

  
  


Oh.

  
  


_Oh._

  
  
  


With widening eyes he releases Iwaizumi’s hands and limply grips his upper arms.

“By not getting in…” he gulps and leans in closer as if searching for something in Iwaizumi’s eyes, something indicating that wherever this conversation is going, it isn’t the direction his brain claims it’s going to go. He begs the stars that isn’t the case. “You don’t mean-”

Oikawa doesn’t dare to finish this sentence. 

To his horror, Iwaizumi nods with his lips pressed into a thin line, his face the definition of regret.

“No…” Oikawa furrows his eyebrows and still tries to convince himself he misinterpreted everything. 

But it’s already clear.

“But...How-”

“I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi interrupts Oikawa and something in him snaps.

“Would you stop apologizing already?” Oikawa accidentally raises his voice and winces. For a moment, Oikawa thinks he ruined the atmosphere he managed to create through sheer patience.

But Iwaizumi just starts reasoning as if Oikawa’s raised tone did not bother him.

“Oikawa, I fucked up.” There's so much pain in Iwaizumi’s eyes Oikawa wants to erase. The sight is crushing. “I wasted so much of your time for _nothing_ that’s why I want to properly apologi-”

“Alright, that’s enough..” Oikawa covers Iwaizumi’s mouth with his right palm and successfully silences him.

What the fuck is he even _saying_?

“Iwa-chan do you hear yourself?” Oikawa asks strictly. “I helped you because I wanted to. It was _my_ choice.” He emphasizes by gripping Iwaizumi’s bicep with his lingering left hand tighter and shaking him. Oikawa’s serious eyes never frightened Iwaizumi. They only got his attention and today was no exception. Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa through his black lashes and listened to every word he said.

“I don’t regret a single thing about that choice.” With an intense gaze, Tooru continues. “I got to spend so much time with you.” The hand gripping Iwaizumi’s bicep slacks and lingers over the arm. Oikawa feels his own hands tremble. “What is there to apologize for?”

After those words, Iwaizumi cries. Silent tears stream down his cheeks, then go down his best friend’s hand and finally, mix with the water droplets pooling at their feet. He sniffles and hiccups as the tears show no sign of stopping. The force of his sobs rocks his body and make it seem limp like he’s about to fall over from exhaustion. 

Oikawa slowly puts his right hand back onto Iwaizumi’s left bicep and holds him in place firmly. 

Iwaizumi had finally let go.

Oikawa had no other choice but to feel relieved. Iwaizumi has been holding all of these emotions in and probably never planned on letting them out. He’s glad he managed to help his best friend take the unnecessary burden off his shoulders. As surprising as that may sound, seeing Iwaizumi’s weeping face makes Oikawa feel calmer. Not because he wants his best friend to suffer, but because he knows Iwaizumi will feel much better afterward. 

What _wouldn’t_ he do to take the frown off his best friend’s face?

Unconsciously, he takes the nearby placed shampoo bottle and opens up the plastic cap. He spills a generous amount of the liquid onto his hand and the familiar aroma of aloe vera fills his lungs. Oh, how Oikawa loves this smell. This is what Iwaizumi smelled like for as long as he can remember. So familiar and warm. So...Iwaizumi-like. 

He rubs his palms together and entangles his fingers into Iwaizumi’s drenched black hair. Almost like silk: soft and slippery to the touch, that’s how Oikawa remembers Iwaizumi’s hair from the first time they bathed together. It hasn’t changed to this day. He could spend hours burying his hands in his best friend’s hair and drowning in the magnetic aroma of Aloe Vera.

He gently massages Iwaizumi’s scalp but presses harder in places he knows his best friend likes the most. At one point, Oikawa grips his childhood friend’s locks with his fists and lightly tugs on them. That earns him a whimper of approval from the still crying Iwaizumi. 

Oikawa’s lips quirk upwards. He knows Iwaizumi loves it when he does that. He’s aware of the electricity that courses throughout Iwaizumi’s body when he has his hair pulled. He gives another tug, this time a harder one. Iwaizumi hisses as his body withstands another wave of goosebumps of familiar pleasure. The distraction works perfectly. Oikawa then lets go and continues to rub his best friend’s head soothingly in circular motions.

“So,” Oikawa starts. “What now?”

“I-” Iwaizumi stops with hesitation, “I planned on going to Tohoku university together with you.”

Oikawa hums in response urging him to continue.

“But I still had a backup plan if a situation like this ever occurred.” Oikawa’s hands almost still at the news but he quickly regains his composure and resumes to massaging his best friend’s scalp with a consistent rhythm.

“I applied to an athletic trainer association institution in America.” He breathes out regretfully.

Oikawa swears he felt his heart crack. 

How come Oikawa has never heard of this? America? Is he out of his mind? 

“America, huh…” He whispers as calmly and casually as he can. “Did you get an answer yet?”

Oikawa sees his best friend gulp slowly and rub his hands together. “I did.”

“And…” Oikawa pauses and shifts in his seat to collect himself again. “What did they say?”

“I got in.” Iwaizumi declares. An unreadable expression on his face shows the conflict between whether to feel happy or guilty.

Oikawa grits his teeth.

“I see.” Oikawa breathes out with as much composure as he can gather.

America. _America_. It’s more than ten thousand kilometers away. What in the world is happening? This has to be a dream. No, a nightmare. Iwaizumi can’t go that far away. On the other side of the world. Maybe Oikawa is just hearing things now. He forgot Japanese. Yeah, that sounds more reasonable.

“Do you think…” The setter bites his lower lip, “I could fail this year in Tohoku university and apply for the next year together with you?”

“Idiot, stop with the stupid ideas,” Iwaizumi scoffs a strained laugh. “I’ll kill you if you do that.” He rubs his face with his forearm and wipes away the mush of different bodily fluids with water.

“Well, I think it wouldn’t hurt to try,” Oikawa insists with a pout. “There’s gotta be some way for us to-”

“Tooru,” Iwaizumi interrupts carefully with the most gentle voice Oikawa has ever heard him do. “It’s over.”

Oikawa’s hands still and he frowns as Iwaizumi continues.

“I’ve almost come to terms with it, I think it’s time you do the same.” He gives his best friend a sad, knowing look. “But first, please, stop doing this.”

Oikawa knits his eyebrows in question. “Doing what?”

“Doing _this_ ,” Iwaizumi gestures to Oikawa, “self-destructing.”

  
  
  


Oikawa feels naked. Well, he _is_ naked - they both are - but this is the kind of naked he feels in front of Iwaizumi only. Naked from inside out. Physical nudity does not exist between the two of them. They’re simply two naked souls seeing through one another. On or off-court, they’re naked for each other. No piece of clothing can hide what they’re feeling or thinking. Every breath is familiar, every move and glance has a meaning only the two of them can decipher. Their souls have been naked for one another for as long as they can remember. Nothing can change that. 

Oikawa feels like a deer caught in headlights. Iwaizumi knew. He knew from the very start. Oikawa is perfectly aware of what Iwaizumi is referring to.

What the fuck is Oikawa doing?

Iwaizumi’s eyes widen with the weirdly familiar recognition and his face makes a conflicted look. But after a small head shake, he seems to gather himself up quite quickly.

“Tooru, it’s just the two of us here,” Iwaizumi gently gets a wet strand of hair off Oikawa’s widened eyes and gazes at those orbs of his with the gentlest, most earnest look on his face.

  
  


“Enough selflessly giving yourself out to others,” He drags his stool closer to Oikawa.

  
  


“Enough neglecting your wellbeing for others,” Iwaizumi then grabs Oikawa’s wrists that are still held up above his forehead. He untangles his best friend’s delicate fingers covered in white foam from his hair, and brings them to his chest, holding them tight like they’re the most precious things in the world.

  
  


“Enough torturing yourself.”

  
  


“I’m here for you just like you are here for me. So please,” Iwaizumi rests one of his hands on the back of Oikawa’s head, and brings their foreheads together. “let me be your pillar of support.”

  
  


Not enough. Letting everyone down. Disappointing everyone.

  
  


There’s an uncomfortable shiver. That one particular shiver that Oikawa dreads the most.

  
  


Not enough. Not talented enough, not hardworking enough. Weak. Useless. Not good enough-

  
  
  


Notenoughnotenoughnotenough-

  
  
  


Oikawa’s breath hitches in his throat painfully. Uncomfortable goosebumps engulf his body as it starts feeling numb. Oikawa feels his control slipping away. But he holds on tightly with his nails digging into his somewhat conscious thinking. He’ll sink his teeth there if he needs to. 

Just, please…

Don’t let him slip away… 

  
  


Oikawa takes a big, rushed breath. It gets stuck. No. It’s not enough. He needs more. More air. Second breath interrupting the first one, every new breath on top of the last one. Lungs expand to their very limit but no air enters whatsoever. Every erratic inhale is empty, worthless. What’s the fucking point of breathing if you don’t get a single speck of air in?

Dizziness engulfs Oikawa’s body. At this point, Oikawa feels like falling off his stool, cracking his skull open, and dying immediately would be much better than experiencing this torture. He’s being suffocated by his own traitorous body. 

He rips one of his tightly clenched fists out of the gentle cradling of the silhouette in front of him. Maybe if he hits his chest hard enough, all of the stuck air would be forced out. Just as his balled fist is milliseconds from making a forced hit, it’s stopped. Not budging no matter how hard he tries to move it. Not to mention Oikawa is literally suffocating, his body decides to become paralyzed too? Is this how he dies? Naked in the bathing house, with his body spread out on the floor in all of its glory. Embarrassing as hell. Not to mention sad as hell, too. Dying after losing one of the most important matches he worked hard for his entire life, then being ignored by his best friend for god knows what reason, and finally, finding out his best friend is leaving him after everything they’ve been through together?

What the actual fuck?

_What the fuck??_

  
  


Nausea clouds his mind. He feels sick to his stomach. Oikawa doesn’t want to die like this. Not after he hasn’t accomplished a single thing. Not while his life holds no worth in this world. Not while his only image in this world is the narcissistic fuckboy he disguises himself as. He still has so much to do, so many places to be at, so many people to spend time with. He still has Hajime. Yes, Hajime is still here with him. Always right there, next to him, kicking his ass every time he says or does something stupid. Hajime who never changes and loves Oikawa despite knowing every single flaw in his mind and body.

Then where is Hajime right now?

Hajime.

Hajime, Hajime, Hajime...

He desperately needs Hajime at the moment. Hajime and his rough hands gently running his fingers through Oikawa’s hair. Desperately needs Hajime’s deep, scratchy voice to coo him into a calm state of mind. Oikawa wants Hajime’s body to be as close to his as possible. He wants to feel his best friend’s body heat flushed right against his own. To feel like he’s touching not only his body, but his soul as well. 

Hajime, Hajime, Hajime…

“-ru…”

Hajime is the only one who knows what to do in these situations. 

“Tooru.” 

Oikawa’s first name catches his attention.

“Tooru, please look at me…” With a tender touch, someone is holding Oikawa’s right cheek and wiping running tears with his thumb. His other hand is firmly holding Oikawa’s balled fist in place.

Oikawa’s eyes snap up. He meets a blurry silhouette. He blinks the tears away.

Hajime.

He’s here, after all. Here, right in front of Oikawa, wiping his tears and keeping him from hurting himself. Just like always. The same, unchanging Iwaizumi Hajime.

“Tooru, you are having an anxiety attack,” Iwaizumi quickly informs Oikawa. His conflicted, caring eyes never leave Oikawa’s brown ones, as if trying to keep him here, occupied and distracted from everything else. “We are going to do a breathing exercise together.”

He unclenches Oikawa’s previously balled up fist and gently puts it down on Oikawa’s thigh.

Without letting Oikawa think of an answer he starts again.

“When I lift my hand up, we breathe in through the nose,” He then starts lifting his free hand up and inhales. “and when I start lowering it, we breathe out through the mouth.” He slowly exhales and lowers his hand.

“The exhale will be longer than the inhale. Count in your head.” He finishes.

“Ready?”

Iwaizumi receives a small, weak nod of approval.

“Okay, here we go.” He starts lifting his hand up and inhaling with Oikawa following his lead.

Up.

One...two...three...

And down.

One...two...three...four...five...six…

During every exhale Oikawa’s body spasms. Every trembling breath makes him want to give up. With great difficulty, Oikawa listens to his best friend and does the exercise again, and again, and again.

One...Tw-

Oikawa makes a choked up noise.

“Shh, it’s alright, I’m here. You are doing so good.” Iwaizumi coos and runs his left hand over Oikawa’s hair with a little bit of relaxing pressure. “Keep going. Take as long as you need.” 

Two...three…

And down.

One...two...three...four...five...six...

After what feels like five minutes of synthetic breathing and counting, Oikawa doesn’t feel like dying anymore.

A little more.

Up,

One...two...three…

And down.

One...two...three...four...five...six…

Oikawa swallows thickly and tries breathing naturally. It has evened out. He is not suffocating anymore. He can breathe again.

“Tooru,” Oikawa’s attention is once again stolen by his best friend.

“Name three things you see around yourself.” He asks. Oikawa doesn’t take his unfocused eyes from Iwaizumi’s form.

“I see Hajime.” Oikawa declares with no second thought.

“Okay, good. What else?”

“Hajime’s green eyes.”

Iwaizumi’s expression softens.

“And the last one?”

There’s a pause on Oikawa’s side and then he continues.

“Hajime’s biceps.”

Iwaizumi stares at his best friend with a dumbfounded expression before grimacing and letting out a scoff.

“There you are.” Iwaizumi gives him a weak smile.

“How are you feeling now? I will help you get to your futon so you can rest.” Iwaizumi says after a pause.

Iwaizumi cares. He always does. Always full of love and compassion that are hidden behind his grumpy attitude. Except for moments like these, when Oikawa is extremely vulnerable. All of his compassion shines through. And Oikawa drinks it all in. The setter lets the feeling of being cared for cloud his mind.

He cannot for the life of him get angry at his best friend. He can’t imagine how much pressure it was for Iwaizumi to keep such a secret from Oikawa. He was probably thinking and overthinking every scenario that would play out if he did tell Tooru his backup plan for the future. And he decided to keep silent. 

No wonder he sounds so guilty. That must have been tough as hell.

“Are you thirsty? I can bring you some water.”

Oikawa doesn’t have the energy to answer. Instead, he rests his elbows on his knees and rubs his face while shaking his head ‘no’.

He’s so tired. But he wants to be here with Iwaizumi a little longer.

“I should’ve told you earlier about my options.” The spiky haired male guiltily starts again. “It was stupid of me to think staying silent would be the best option.”

Oikawa keeps his mouth shut. His entire body feels like pudding, disoriented, and weak but he can feel irritation creep in on him slowly but surely.

“All of that must have taken a huge toll on you.” Iwaizumi’s voice breaks, “Tooru, I’m so sorry.”

Tooru swears he feels a vein pop in his temple.

“And what about you, huh?” Oikawa spits out and startles Iwaizumi.

“And holding all of that in for you was easy? Is that what you’re saying?”

Iwaizumi’s furrowed brows express his confusion about Oikawa’s sudden raging fit.

“What?” The spiky haired boy asks.

“Don’t exclude yourself from this. It didn’t only hurt me, it hurt _you_ as well!” Tooru desperately screams to get his feelings through Iwaizumi’s thick skull.

“Tooru, you’re the one who’s hurting the most at the moment.”

“No! You are!” Oikawa shoots back. “I mean look at - _ugh_ \- _listen_ to yourself. How many times have you apologized today? I’ve never seen you so full of guilt.” 

Iwaizumi’s brows furrow even more.

“But I kept a huge secret from you, wasted your time, wasn’t able to keep my promise to you, avoided you, and you dare to say I’m the victim here?” Iwaizumi starts raising his voice.

“Yes! This affected you as well. Hajime, you’re mentally drained. We both are. We both suffer the same amount. That means we both need the same amount of comfort. Stop putting me before you. None of this is your fault!”

“But it is!”

“No, it isn’t!”

“ _Yes it is!_ ”

“ _Ugh,_ no, it _isn’t!”_ With grit teeth, Oikawa grips Iwaizumi’s shoulders and shakes him with newly found strength fueled by pure desperation. “Shut up and believe me dammit!”

One more push.

“You were desperate, you were lost, you didn’t know what to do, and naturally, you made mistakes. It’s okay to make mistakes. Sure, some people might get hurt because of it but it doesn’t matter, I will be right next to you, making my own mistakes alongside yours and we’ll get through. Time will heal. We’ll kiss the boo-boos away.”

Iwaizumi visibly cringed on the inside.

“So _you_ stop self-destructing.” Oikawa accusingly points a finger at Iwaizumi and glares daggers at him.

There’s a moment of silence.

Iwaizumi lets out a breath. His shoulders relax completely for the first time today.

“Alright, fine.” The ace gives in. “ But don’t you dare stop me from comforting and caring for you.” He reaches his hand out. ”Give me the bottle, it’s my turn now.”

Oikawa hands him the aloe vera shampoo and sees his best friend mimic his previous actions, albeit a little more aggressively. The bottle gives a lifeless wheeze when the last remaining contents inside of it hit Iwaizumi’s palm. 

Oikawa had never gotten angry at Iwaizumi after any of his anxiety attacks. This was a first, and it sure took a toll on him. But that doesn’t matter because Iwaizumi finally came back. Oikawa took the rock off his best friend’s chest.

The next thing Oikawa feels is a sharp slap of his best friend’s palm on his wet hair. 

“Wha- ow!” Oikawa wines and Iwaizumi ignores it. He knows he’s not truly hurting Oikawa. The shampoo splatters on Oikawa’s shoulders. Aggressive. 

Good.

Rough hands rub Oikawa’s hair. Shy grumpiness evident on Iwaizumi’s face makes Oikawa weak from how endearing the view is.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Iwaizumi starts scrubbing even faster, trying to cover up the embarrassment of being gazed at.

Oikawa scoffs.

How cute.

The intoxicating scent of aloe vera numbs Oikawa’s senses. The setter is surrounded by Iwaizumi. His smell, sharp, sweet, and refreshing. His hands interlocked with Oikawa’s hair, rough, yet careful.

Now that Oikawa thinks about it, Iwaizumi resembles the plant aloe vera quite accurately. His personality is somewhat aggressive natured and aloe vera has spikes on its leaves. However, when you look inside, it’s full of healing substances. Yes, Iwaizumi’s presence heals just like the plant _._

Analyzing eyes roam around Oikawa’s features. As if searching for something. 

Hajime’s eyes are gorgeous…

“How’s your knee?”

“Hm?” With his gaze still locked with Iwaizumi’s, starstruck Oikawa can’t find the words to answer.

He needs a second to come back.

“Your knee, is it okay?” Iwaizumi rephrases. 

“Ah... y-yeah…” He chokes out.

His best friend’s eyes narrow in suspicion. His hands still in his damp hair and trail down to Oikawa’s face.

Iwaizumi cups his cheeks with soapy hands, drawing the smell of aloe vera closer to Oikawa than ever before. Oikawa feels his cheeks being squished by his best friend’s slippery, fragrant hands.

The smell is so strong.

So overwhelming.

It’s so close. It draws Oikawa in. Pulls him into a safe bubble where every other sense disappears except for his smell. He feels his lungs fill with Iwaizumi’s scent. Oikawa wants to drown in it. To be able to breathe it for the rest of his life.

“Tooru, does your knee hurt? I need an honest answer.” With a serious, caring expression Iwaizumi asks again.

To be honest, Oikawa is quite surprised his knee hasn’t acted up today. After the strain he put it through throughout the day, it was bound to give at least some dull pain. But there’s nothing.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Oikawa tries to answer seriously but fails because of his squished cheeks. “It’s peachy, really.” he adds sheepishly with an attempt to smile, only for Iwaizumi to squish his cheeks even harder.

Iwaizumi spares a few more seconds to stare silently into Oikawa’s eyes as if waiting for an add up or searching for any hints that it’s a lie. He seems to have found nothing of the sort. 

“Okay.” Hajime sighs and lets go of his best friend’s face.

“Turn around,” He asked and gently put his hand on Oikawa’s arm to unconsciously guide him. “I will wash your back.”

“Aww, who am I to refuse you, nice Iwa-chan~” Oikawa teases playfully and slowly turns around. The feeling of Iwaizumi’s hand lingering on his upper arm makes the place tingle. Then it’s gone and replaced on Oikawa’s shoulder.

He hears his best friend take in a sharp breath and the hand on his shoulder stiffens, gripping his skin tight.

“Hajime?” Oikawa turns his head back to look at his best friend, a little worried.

“Your back…” Iwaizumi starts with a voice dripping with concern after a pause. “It’s covered in bruises.”

It takes a moment for Oikawa to comprehend what Iwaizumi just said.

“It...is?” Confused, Oikawa asks.

Iwaizumi clicks his tongue.

“That was a hard fall.” He trails his left hand down Oikawa’s spine, lightly touching the darkening spots. “You idiot, why would you do this to yourself…”

Ah, the fall during the last moments of today’s match. Of course.

“I was desperate…” Oikawa mumbles under his breath regretfully.

“Of course you were...” Iwaizumi heaves a deep sigh, hurriedly runs his hands through Oikawa’s hair a few more times to make sure all of the shampoo has been washed out, and stands up. “Okay, I think we’re done here.”

Iwaizumi offers Oikawa his hand.

“Let’s go. I have the cooling ointment with me in the changing room.” 

Oikawa stares at his best friend’s outstretched hand for a moment and feels his heart clench.

Iwaizumi cares. He cares so much. His care is so pure and selfless. Carrying a spare ointment for Oikawa everywhere they go. Always ready in case Oikawa’s knee acts up. Ready to help his best friend in any situation, at any time, in any place.

Ah shit, he might cry again.

Probably tired of waiting, Hajime grabs Oikawa’s hand himself and hoists him up, steadying him by the shoulders. “Come on, you’re exhausted.”

Gravity has no reason to be as strong as it is right now. Oikawa might as well just lay down and sleep on the floor. His body feels weighed down with what seems to be 30 kilograms.

“Here, hold onto me.” Iwaizumi offers support by putting Oikawa’s arm on his shoulders and carefully holding him by the waist.

Oikawa has no energy to answer anything back. Iwaizumi doesn’t push him to, either.

Oikawa would die to see this side of Iwaizumi more often.

They make their way into the changing room without sparing a single glance at the tub of hot water which, to most people would be considered the main attraction of a bathing house. Not to these two, though. At least not tonight.

Iwaizumi sits Oikawa down on the bench while he goes to get his basket with the cooling cream. 

Oikawa slumps his shoulders out of fatigue. His heavy eyelids are practically begging him to go to sleep. But he can’t. He can’t and he won’t. While Iwaizumi is here by his side, Oikawa will stay awake and drown in his best friend’s presence. 

Oikawa hears Iwaizumi’s footsteps get louder as he comes back and sits from behind. There’s a moment of silence. Oikawa notices but is too exhausted to say anything about it. When the unusual pause stretches for too long, Oikawa opens his mouth to ask if everything is okay-

And then he feels it.

A light, fatherly touch on his back. He doesn’t feel the coolness of the cream. Hell, it doesn’t feel like fingers. Then his eyes widen when he feels hot air against his bruised skin.

“Ha-Haji-” Flustered, Oikawa straightens out and feels a shiver run down his spine. “What are you-”

“You absolute dumbass,” Iwaizumi puts his hands on Oikawa’s shoulders to stop the squirming. “Who sacrifices their own health for a single point in a match?” The defeated tone doesn’t take Oikawa’s thoughts away from what just happened.

“Haji- you just-” At a loss of words, the setter can’t utter a single coherent sentence.

“Yes, and I’ll do it again.” And without any warning, Oikawa feels it again.

A gentle kiss. So light, the setter might think it’s just his imagination playing tricks on him. But it’s not. This is real. And Oikawa feels like he is melting into a puddle.

“H- Hajime, Sto-”

“You were the one who said we’ll kiss the boo-boos away.” Iwaizumi repeats Oikawa’s previous words. His breath tickles Oikawa’s back and the captain has to fight the urge to shiver. “And that’s exactly what I’ll do - shower your body with affection to prove how precious your health is.”

Oikawa hides his face in his palms. Suddenly the changing room became hotter than the bathing area with almost boiling water. Despite them both being naked from head to toe, the shivers that Oikawa is experiencing are far from the cold. He might just explode then and there.

When Oikawa does nothing to move away, Hajime resumes back to putting a line of tender kisses on his bruised back, accompanying them with words of encouragement.

Small tickling touches of his best friend’s lips on his spine make Oikawa unable to think.

“Learn to love yourself.” Iwaizumi mutters between the kisses. Oikawa can only exhale shakily as he’s being cared for so tenderly.

Another kiss, this time more to the right.

“You worked so hard” Iwaizumi places one hand on Oikawa’s waist, grounding him.

And another kiss.

“You’ve grown so much.” 

Oikawa gulps thickly. He’s so overwhelmed. It’s just him, Hajime, and this intimacy between them that makes him feel complete. Makes him appreciate what he has at the moment. Makes him realize that this is enough, that they are enough, that he is enough.

“You’re one of the strongest players out there. It might not have worked out for us here. But it will work out in the future.” Iwaizumi pulls away and opens the cap of the medical cream.

“Your work hasn’t gone in vain. Trust me,” Oikawa can hear a faint smile in Iwaizumi’s voice. “Your golden age still awaits you.”

Oikawa knows this is not the end. But it feels like it is the end of something very precious to him. Of something that he values more than anything. He can’t imagine that part of him missing any time soon. 

“I’d rather not think about the future at the moment.” The setter mutters.

“Yeah…you’re right, me neither.” Iwaizumi scoffs softly and settles for comfortable silence.

Oikawa can smell the familiar scent of his medical ointment. It’s sharp mint. He can’t say he enjoys the smell very much, though, since the associations are not very pleasant, given every time he injures himself, this is the first smell to reach his nose. 

Finally, Iwaizumi’s touch reappears. Except instead of soft, warm lips, there are his fingers and the cold cream against Oikawa’s flushed skin. The spiker rubs his fingers on sensitive bruises a little rougher to get as much ointment into his skin as possible. Oikawa hisses at the uncomfortable stings once in a while but is gently shushed by his best friend who caresses his shoulder in soothing motions with the free hand.

Iwaizumi makes a quick work around each bruise that covers Oikawa’s back. The setter can feel that there are quite a few, some bigger than others. Then he realizes that there are as many bruises as Iwaizumi gave him kisses. That means he kissed every bruise on his back. Tenderly, with so much care. The overwhelming happiness engulfs Oikawa’s entire being. What did he do to deserve Iwaizumi?

When his best friend is done, he puts the ointment back into his basket and faces Tooru once more.

“Okay, turn around and extend your legs on the bench.” Iwaizumi commands Oikawa and stands up.

“Hm? Why?” Despite the confusion, the captain turns around and stretches out both of his legs where Iwaizumi was previously sitting. 

“I will massage your knee a little bit.” Iwaizumi walks around the bench to get better access to Oikawa’s right leg.

“Huh? Hajime, I said it doesn’t hurt.” With a head tilt, Oikawa watches his best friend stretch out his own fingers. Muscular arms flex in preparation and almost hypnotize Oikawa.

“I know but being careful goes a long way.” Rough hands start going up Oikawa’s thigh to warm the tissue and relax the muscles. “This session is gonna be twice shorter than what we usually do.”

His hands move almost professionally due to so many months of helping Oikawa with his injury. The ace never complains, it sometimes feels like Iwaizumi enjoys caring and looking after Oikawa.

An athletic trainer, huh… This occupation might suit Iwaizumi. It might suit him a little too well. He has researched a lot about health in sports - be it nutrition, injury recoveries, the right kind of exercises, everything. Iwaizumi might be more passionate about this than Oikawa initially thought.

He never noticed.

Well, of course, it was convenient to have him around. Oikawa felt safe and secure around him. How could he not? Iwaizumi was always close by, ready to help Oikawa mentally and physically. His physical help was always very thorough. Iwaizumi always made sure to be careful, researching everything he could to prevent any further injuries for his childhood friend.

It’s been so reassuring to have him around. But Iwaizumi is a human being with his own dreams and goals. He isn’t a puppet that belongs to Oikawa. He isn’t Oikawa’s personal caretaker. Oikawa might have relied on him a little too much.

The setter curses himself for being so ignorant towards his best friend.

“You know,” The captain starts and receives a hum as an indication to continue. “I am selfish.”

Iwaizumi’s hands that have now been going in circular motions from each side of his knee joint slow down. Piercing green eyes stare at Oikawa in question.

“I want you to stay.” Oikawa continues. “Stay here with me, walk right beside me every second of every day.” The eye contact becomes too much and Oikawa lowers his gaze to look at his right knee and the caring hands that are tenderly working on it. Not a very good distraction.

“I always want to be next to you.” He pauses and slowly rubs his face to recollect himself.

“But...This is something that you want, right?” He lowers his hands and looks back at Iwaizumi who is still watching him closely. “Going to America that is…”

Iwaizumi’s face converts into one of surprise. He slowly nods.

Oikawa feels bitter content. They definitely needed to have this talk.

“Who am I to take that happiness away from you?” He feels the corners of his lips pull upwards slightly. “I want you to flourish. I have no intention of keeping you locked up in my imaginary world of perfection. You deserve much better than that.”

Wide green orbs never leave Oikawa’s ones. He said it. He has no idea if it did more good to him or his best friend, but he finally said it.

“And I will stay here. Not standing in your way.” Oikawa unconsciously reaches out his hand and cups his best friend’s cheek, then gently rubs invisible lines with his thumb. “Believing in you and waiting patiently for you.“

“Now I want to be a safe place you can come back to.” Oikawa finishes.

Tears collect in Hajime’s eyes once more.

“Dumbass…” Iwaizumi sniffles. “How many times are you going to make me cry tonight?” He chokes out a laugh.

Oikawa can’t help but let out a heavy scoff as well.

What an unusual feeling of bittersweet happiness engulfs Oikawa’s chest.

“Tooru…” Iwaizumi has never been this eager to embrace his setter. Oikawa feels Hajime’s muscular arms wrap around his neck and hold him close. Oikawa doesn’t hesitate for a single second to return the hug. 

Ahh, seriously, he might just melt and fuse with Hajime’s heat here and now.

“You are unbelievable.” Hajime chuckles and sniffles into Oikawa’s neck. ”Seriously…thank you.”

Oikawa listens to his best friend’s light sobs, feels the rock of his hot skin under his fingertips. It’s wonderful. Embracing Iwaizumi is wonderful.

A content sigh leaves his lips.

  
  


Oikawa has finally set them both free.

  
  


After a few minutes, Iwaizumi pulls away. Oikawa can’t help but immediately miss the touch.

“I’m almost finished here as well,” Hajime directs his attention back at Oikawa’s leg and bends down.

There it is again. The soft touch of warm, delicate lips, lingering for a few seconds, only this time on Tooru’s right knee instead of his back.

Oikawa’s breath hitches. 

“Okay, we’re done.” Oikawa’s best friend shoots him a quick grin before starting to take out his clothes from the basket.

Dumbstruck, Oikawa sits there, probably with the dumbest expression on his face like an idiot. An error. Oikawa Tooru’s brain malfunctioned. He is no longer capable of following commands. A reboot will start in:

Three, two, on-

No, but seriously. Oikawa is so unbelievably happy at the moment. Feeling pure joy and so much love ooze out of Hajime made Tooru Buzz with bliss. They are okay. They always have been, are, and will forever be okay.

No matter if they are ten thousand kilometers away from each other or close enough to touch.

They will not waver.

The ace puts on a fresh pair of boxers and Oikawa follows his lead. The fatigue has never left the setter’s body, so as soon as clothing covered his private area, he laid down onto the bench and considered sleeping right then and there.

Iwaizumi snorts.

“No, you are not sleeping here. Come on.” Iwaizumi kneels in front of Oikawa. “I’ll give you a piggyback ride.”

The setter only takes a few seconds to be paralyzed by surprise when a grin breaks out on his face. With enthusiasm, he hoists himself up and climbs onto Hajime’s back. It’s been so long since Iwaizumi was willing to carry him around.

This day sure took a turn.

With Oikawa’s chin resting on Iwazumi’s shoulder, the spiky-haired boy walks them both into the bedroom where all of their teammates are asleep.

He tiptoes towards the two empty futons and shares a look with Oikawa. With no words, a single glance is enough for them to have a conversation with each other.

They both lie down in one of the futons. In a minute, a warm comforter surrounds both of their bodies and traps the heat of their naked bodies flushed together. Oikawa lies on his side to avoid getting hurt by the bruises. Muscular arms are wrapped around his waist and he can feel soft, warm puffs of air caress his collarbones. With Iwaizumi facing him, he feels black, spiky hair tickle his chin. The same aroma of aloe vera reaches his nose and finally, for the first time in forever, Oikawa relaxes completely. 

Surrounded by Iwaizumi, he feels his chest tingle with happy sadness. He’s going to miss his best friend. Hell, he’ll probably feel like he had lost a limb with Hajime not being by his side anymore. But that’s okay. It’s Hajime’s happiness we’re talking about. It’s Hajime’s future. His smile is far more important than Oikawa’s selfish wishes. He will treasure Hajime together with his joy and carry them around like the golden medal of the Nationals they never got the chance to participate in. Fuck Nationals. This is much better than any annual recurring event. Oikawa is holding a diamond in his hands. This precious, sleepy man in his embrace is the one who he will support and love with his entire being.

With pride, Tooru lets his best friend go. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was a vent fic. I am incredibly honored if you made it to the very end. My scholarship to America had been rejected and that's how the idea of this story came into my mind. It helped me get through some difficult things. I am very happy that something good came out of this disaster of a year.
> 
> I bought a handful of Aloe Vera products just so I would be surrounded by the scent Oikawa loves so much and feel more present for the story. I think I got a little obsessed 😅🌿
> 
> I love Iwaoi from the bottom of my heart and I am very sorry for any pain I might have caused you.
> 
> Also, I cannot believe I am posting Iwaoi angst during Bokuroo week. Forgive me for I have sinned. I love Haikyuu characters so much. Those boys deserve the entire world and more.
> 
> My Twitter: @StillYetToFind come say hi!
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this story. I hope you have a wonderful week. ❤️


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